The Hell Known as “the Mall”

This, right now, is the opposite of the Mall. It is a quiet, peaceful evening in my beautiful flat, with large bay windows on three sides of the house, and a gorgeous balcony with a view of the Mediterranean. A beautiful evening and I am being serenaded by the perfect temperature and soft light and Miles Davis. I like this. It is the opposite of the Mall in the way that the tea I’m about to make from the simmering kettle is free, and in the sense that there is a little clock in front of me to tell me what time it is, here, in the Outside World. It is also the opposite of the Mall in the sense that I like myself again, I feel beautiful again and I am not stressed out.

Going to the Mall today brought back to me all the bad memories of every other time I’ve gone to the Mall, hated it, sworn I wouldn’t do it again and then had “Mall amnesia”. Although it’s less Mall amnesia than it is “in-character-for-V-Amensia”. I had the same problem with water parks. Thinking they were fun, and saying “Yes! Why don’t we go spend the entire day at the water park, it will be so much fun!”

without remembering how much I sincerely dislike water parks. Running joke with K. now, about Gai Beach water park in Tiberias…wow.

Won’t do THAT again! Just as an aside, the main feature that got our large mini-bus load to go to this place was a 70 degree incline white plastic water slide. Everyone tried it, so in the same vein as “if all your friends jump off a bridge” I tried it to. That is, until I was floating along my little inch of water on the six foot-long runway
before you DROP STRAIGHT DOWN THIRTY FEET WHO THE HELL CARES IT’S 70 DEGREES freefall and my body, as soon as the tips of my toes dangled into empty space, my WHOLE body went into survival mode and I swear to you, the impulse just surged within me, coursing through my veins and my arms just LATCHED on to the rim of the slide on either side, and I very ungracefully, I assure you, inched my way BACKWARDS, the entire six foot long runway, and too happy to be still alive, I completely ignored the fact I technically had embarrassed myself in front of everyone who knew me and didn’t know me by going down the “main attraction” slide via the stairs and not the slide.

Anyway. This is off my chest now and is making more sense of why I don’t like the Mall. I realized after writing this whole paragraph that I had been thinking about the water park this whole afternoon that I spent at the Mall! Now I know why. The Mall is, just like the 70-degree incline slide, an anti-life. I was curious to go back to the Mall after months just because I had a lengthening list of things to buy and
because I’d just read Krisia’s hilarious blog about people’s different shoe-shopping methods. (K., I’m ASHAMED to admit, I’m “your mom” style shoe-shopper. I’ll try on the display size *every* time whether it’s a size eleven or five and half. : ( I don’t know why…I just do.

I want to see what it looks like on a foot. How embarrassing.

So actually, this is what I had to buy, it will make everything more clear:

-1 battery for The Queen Mother (this is what I call my Minolta SRT101
-1 battery for my Swatch
-a smaller lighter optical mouse
-40 marbles of different solid colors (you can’t find marbles anymore, just in case this is ever on your list)
-1 halogen light bulb
-1 phone cord
-Nice (French) shampoo whose main purpose is to lure me faster into the shower in the morning

Everything was specific and done with in probably half an hour, with some strolling and fun chatting except for the last two items, which are both vague and not-objective. By non-objective I mean, batteries, a light bulb and a mouse basically are non-threatening, non subjective items to shop. I am a fan of any and all electronics shops, home improvement, kitchen appliances and stationery stores. Always find exactly what I want, and I always feel good afterwards, like I’ve accomplished something, and crossed it off my list and that I now own something I will enjoy and make good use of.

With clothes and shoes, I just hate shopping. First of all, I don’t like trying on clothes and second, they (the clothes and shoes) never cooperate. Either I feel like my body is too short or too round, my toes are too skinny and wide apart, my legs are ‘not long enough’, so either it’s that my body isn’t fitting the clothes, or my the clothes were never made with my body in mind. They’re always too small and too long, so obviously they were made for someone taller and skinnier, no matter which size I try. Shoes are just all uncomfortable except for the comfortable ones that look like you should either be taking someone’s blood pressure or hiking the Appalachian Trail, both options which aren’t *quite the look I’m going for in my daily work in an office*.

I invariably walk out of dressing rooms marveling at the fact I actually have clothes to wear, and then I realize, that I can probably manage with the clothes I have for the next few months, and so it re-assures me that I didn’t find anything this time, again, as usual. That is what’s been happening every time I go shopping for clothes, at least for the last two years. The only time I actually find clothes that fit me is when they either fall on me, are given to me or I walk in and fall in love straight away. I KNOW they are the ones. That doesn’t happen enough to fill my wardrobe gaps but often enough to allow me to go to the mall three times a year and forget in between each of those times, how un-satisfying it is.

One of my friends was describing to me the way she felt when she met the man she wants to marry and said it was a mixture of feeling attracted, feeling a deep love and yet a full sense of detachment and knowing she only wanted the best for him. This has nothing to do with malls, but I liked how precise and calm she was in her description and who am I kidding, I just talked about finding the right clothes by
falling in love with them. How strange.

The mouse, batteries and phone cord, by the way, are utterly perfect.

And in my old clothes, I feel good. Especially if I can just sit here and type away, listening to Miles…


4 thoughts on “The Hell Known as “the Mall”

  1. Funny, you’d think by your description I should have no problem finding clothes… yet for me, they’re all to short, if they’re wide enough, and too wide if they’re long enough. SOMEBODY must exist between you and me [literally] who fits in those clothes…

  2. Also, I don’t know that the statement “I’m too tall and slender to fit into any of the clothes that make you feel short and fat.” is exactly comforting, but it is funny!



    THANK YOU NATHAN!!! Saving the day with my messed-up lexicon. I want to write and I can’t remember the word for toes?

    This could be embarassing if I hadn’t had MUCH MUCH more embarrassing things happen to me this week. I wish I could collect them, they would make interesting stories.

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